“Has she been kicking today?” Jason asked as he did nearly every day since I started to feel her kick.
I thought about it and responded, “she hasn’t been too active, but she was kicking this morning a bit. No worries.”
Later that night I was soaking in the tub when I realized that I actually hadn’t felt her kick in a while. She typically moved around a bunch when I was relaxing, and the tub was one of my favorite places to relax while I was pregnant. After drying off and getting into bed she still hadn’t moved. It was late and I was getting nervous but told myself that I needed to sleep and that I was likely over-reacting.
When Jason’s alarm went off early the next morning I told him not to freak out, but that I was worried that I hadn’t felt her kick all night. He got me a glass of orange juice and I laid back down and waited for her to get a bit of a sugar rush and start kicking. But nothing happened.
We both decided it was best to call my doctor. While waiting to hear back we got in the car and drove to the hospital. The doctor called us on the way there and told us to meet her at labor and delivery and that I could get checked out.
Fast forward about an hour… I’m laying in triage and Jason is holding my hand. The doctor has the ultrasound hooked up and I can see our sweet baby girl on the monitor. She sweeps the wand back and forth, and back and forth. I hold my breath. I know something is wrong. She was always so active. She kept me awake at night kicking and rolling and punching me from within.
“What I’m doing is looking for the heartbeat…” the doctor says.
“And it’s not there,” I respond.
“No, it isn’t.”
At exactly 38 weeks pregnant we have just learned that our baby has died. I cry because I know it’s what I should do, but I still don’t fully believe what’s just happened. Her life is over before it ever began. One of my first thoughts was that this is the hardest thing we will ever have to go through in our lives, and that nothing will ever be the same.
I turned to Jason as the nurse wiped off my big belly and he hugged me and we cried. I remember saying “our little girl” and it prompted more tears. I wanted a little girl so badly and the day we found out we both cried happy tears. Everything was so perfect. Until this day.
After crying for a bit we both turn to the doctor.
“This sucks,” I tell her.
“It does. It really really does,” she responds.
“What do we do now? What are the next steps?” I ask. I already want this day to be over. This is easily the worst day of my life.
After feeling absolutely shocked that my perfect pregnancy, my perfect baby girl, were both gone, I was then thrown into one of the next stages of grief almost immediately: anger. I still needed to deliver my baby girl. She still needed to be born, even though she would not be breathing. It all seemed very cruel, that I still needed to go through this painful process, and in the end my baby would still be dead. We cried some more, we asked about options, we asked what the doctor thought could have gone wrong, and we prepared ourselves for the next steps of this painful process.
I asked the doctor if this was anything I did. I was responsible for caring for my little girl, I was her life support, and now her life was over. She assured me there was nothing that could have been done. Although extremely unlikely at full term, these things happen and the majority of people never find out what caused it. It could have been a chromosomal defect (which I tested negative for earlier in my pregnancy) or a knot or clot in the umbilical cord, or an infection, or a number of other reasons. Since then we have received many (many!) different test results from both me and my baby girl, none showing any abnormal results. We are still waiting for autopsy results.
Next, we needed to call our families. We were given time in triage to make calls while the nurses got our room ready. I called my Mom and told her the worst news I could have delivered. We cried together and talked about what we would need to do next. Jason called his family and they decided they would come visit right away. Jason made a few more calls to let our friends in Minnesota know, and my best friend in Philadelphia. Many more tears were shed every time we had to say the words “we lost the baby.”
Testing out blogging from my phone…
Here is a bunch of text. And some more. Add a little more. And a dash of salt. Maybe a little more salt because I really tend to like salt. That’s probably not good for me but it’s delicious and you only live once, right? Is this enough text yet? Surely we can add a little more. And a little bit more. But you know, I don’t really care for pepper.
How about a photo?
There’s my pup, Everett. He was begging here, which he does fairly often.
Ok, bye! :)
Once again I am linking up with Gussy for her Inspiration Workshop. Check out all the inspiration on her blog where many other awesome bloggers link their posts as well. This week’s prompt is “Organization.” My craft room is the focus of this post. Even though my entire home is basically an opportunity for better organization (no, really) my craft room is the home of the most “stuff” and certainly a place that could use a little more organization.
Jason and I are a little obsessed with Lacrosse. Not playing it (oh man, that would be comical) but watching it. Last year we went to a bunch of games Minnesota Swarm, and this year we’re season ticket holders. That means all the home games, all season, we’ll be there. We are even taking a group of 13 people to the game this Sunday to celebrate Jason’s Birthday! Continue reading
I recently found out about an online craft night. What?!? Are you thinking, “that’s the coolest thing ever!” That was my reaction too! You should join me…. all you have to do is grab some (very basic) materials and join in the online chat while we all make a sweet project. Continue reading
Once again I am linking up with Gussy for her Inspiration Workshop. Check out all the inspiration on her blog where many other awesome bloggers link their posts as well. This week’s prompt is “Bedroom.” I’ve actually been collecting inspiration for our Master Bedroom lately. It’s typically the last place to get attention whenever we move to a new place since no one usually sees it. That doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be pretty though. :)
Have you ever completed, or even just attempted, a 365 photo project? The idea is that you take one photo a day, all year, for one year. Some people take a photo of their child every day, or themselves, or they focus on one even more specific theme for the entire year. I don’t use a theme, but I do use just one method to capture every photo: my iPhone. Continue reading
Welcome to another week of Instagram photos! Our week started out with New Year’s where we were in the middle of coming home from Vermont… driving home from Vermont actually. Due to winter weather it took us 3 days, so on Sunday and part of Monday we were still on the road. The rest of the week was spent at home and has included a lot of relaxing and catching up on sleep. Continue reading
Every year for the past 4 years I’ve chosen a word for the year. One word to focus on for the entire year that helps you achieve your goals. A word to help you keep your focus on those things that are most important to you. This word can be in the place of traditional resolutions, or it can be to help enhance your resolutions. Continue reading
Happy New Year to all of you out there in Blogland! I hope you had a great holiday and New Year and that you got some rest, some time with family, and maybe even some time to create some fun things. Jason and I spent two weeks in Vermont with our families for the holidays, and just got back yesterday. We drove the 1,500 miles home so that we could bring Everett with us. What an adventure! More on that later though… Today, I’m looking ahead to the new year and fun plans and projects for 2012. Continue reading