Monthly Archives: April 2014

4 Days to Go | What I Want to Remember

I’ve been pregnant for what seems like forever. I found out I was pregnant in August 2012. In April 2013 our daughter was stillborn. I found out I was pregnant again in September 2013 and now here I am at nearly 36 weeks. I’ll do the math for you… that’s 17 months pregnant out of the last 21. Oy.

All that being said, I actually enjoy being pregnant. My pregnancy with Alice was harder physically (lots of headaches and more aches and pains) but I was also blissfully ignorant to all that could go wrong. This time around it’s much more difficult mentally, as you can imagine pregnancy after a loss would be. I feel like my body handles pregnancy well though, which I can’t even take credit for. I’m really just lucky. With the exception of stretch marks, I don’t have many of the common problems women are made to endure while pregnant. I had morning sickness (but no throwing up) for a few weeks. I have migraines sometimes but not very often. I have no swelling and no crazy weight gain and I mostly don’t feel like I’m waddling around with a huge, heavy beach ball under my shirt. (Though, that feeling does increase ever so slightly every day.)

I know my life is about to change drastically and that it will never be the same. Even future pregnancies will be completely different with a child to care for in addition to myself. (How do you people do it with multiple children? I suppose I’ll find out at some point but color me impressed!) Before my life takes this drastic change, I’d like to remember some things about being pregnant this time, even if it means looking back on these words and saying to myself “wow, you had no idea how good you had it!”

Kicks: I never tire of feeling movement inside me. It’s the weirdest sensation but it means baby is healthy and gaining strength. Even if it’s 3am and I can’t sleep, if he’s kicking away in there I don’t care that he’s keeping me up. I love having Jason feel him kick too. I’m glad he can experience just a little of the connection I already have with our son.

Hiccups: It’s always been a funny concept to me that babies get the hiccups before they’re born. Feeling that rhythmic jolt in my belly is pretty cool and usually makes me laugh when I realize that’s what I’m feeling.

Doctors: Since this is the last pregnancy I will have with my team of doctors, I really hope my doctors in the future are as amazing as they are now. It makes all the difference to have a care team that truly cares for you and your family. My OB scheduled her on-call time around my induction. And my PCP will visit us in the hospital on a Sunday so he can meet him (just one week earlier than he would anyway, since he’s his pediatrician too.)

Cravings: I want all the fruit. I never liked grapefruit until now. I’m so glad watermelon prices are going down because I want to eat it constantly. Also, bananas! And any kind of berries I can get my hands on.

Sleep: Sleeping hasn’t really ever been easy for me and it’s no different during this pregnancy. Getting up to pee every hour or so doesn’t help either. Hopefully it’s all just good preparation for when I have to get up constantly to take care of a newborn.

Anxiety: Sky high. It’s just worse and worse. It keeps me up at night. It gives me panic attacks. It’s really no fun at all. It’s expected though, and normal. I am anxious about a lot of things but mostly the fear and panic just hit me suddenly and it feels like I’m suffocating. It feels like someone is standing on my chest and I can’t breathe. I also have a lot of anxiety about having flashbacks while in the hospital and remembering things I didn’t know my memory kept stored.

Jason: I have the absolute best husband. Sorry to all the other husbands out there. I’m sure you’re great too. Mine is better though. He is going to be an amazing father. He’s nervous about so many little things, it’s so sweet. He’s been working so hard to get the house ready for this little guy. He’s SO excited to meet him. I can’t wait to see Jason be a father to our son.

Friends & Family: Everyone is so excited for us. RIDICULOUSLY excited for us. More excited than I ever would have thought. My Mom is basically walking on air she’s so thrilled. I get daily texts, tweets, and comments from people who can’t wait to meet him. Everyone at Jason’s work asks about me and how I’m doing constantly. It’s so heartwarming to know so many people want this for us.

That turned out to be a bit longer than I intended. I’m glad it’s out of my head though. With 4 days to go, think good thoughts for us and keep a lookout for some photos after this weekend since I’ll be excited to share my son with the world. :)

On Blogging About Pregnancy | An Update of Sorts

I wrote this post a couple weeks ago after a good friend of mine posted a pregnancy update of her own. It made me think that I wanted to somehow document the way I’m feeling right now, even though my situation is not typical and not happy all the time.

I’ve been hesitant to post about my pregnancy on my blog. I would have loved to start with a fun 12 week update, announcing that we are happily expecting a tiny bundle of joy, and continue on in that fashion until I eventually go into labor and it’s the best day of my life…

But the truth is, when I found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t expecting a baby. I was expecting another loss. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to get their hopes up. I didn’t want anyone to have expectations that everything would turn out perfect. Despite my own logic and everyone in my life telling me I haven’t, losing Alice makes me feel like I let everyone down. I didn’t want to do that again. I didn’t want to feel like I failed again.

Today, at 31 weeks pregnant, I still feel that way, though admittedly somewhat less as we get closer to my due date. I know the chances of this baby being born alive are good, and logically everything is fine, but it’s hard to tell yourself that when you’ve already been through a full term loss. Because for 8.5 months my pregnancy with my daughter was perfect. She was healthy. I was healthy. Everything was completely normal and no one had any reason to expect she wouldn’t be born alive. But she wasn’t. For some unknown reason her heart stopped beating and my completely normal, uncomplicated pregnancy turned into what now shows up on my medical charts: IUFD. Intrauterine Fetal Demise. Unknown cause.

Despite not feeling normal about anything related to this pregnancy, I can fill you in on a few of the normal things I’m experiencing:

— I’m craving fruit – watermelon, grapefruit, bananas, kiwi, and berries too.

— I’m feeling ok but I’m always sore from round ligament pain and some back pain as I get bigger.

— I have frequent headaches. I get winded easily and have trouble taking deep breaths.

— This little munchkin is pretty active and favors my right side. He responds to his Daddy’s voice and if you poke at him when he’s kicking he’ll kick back.

— I still have insomnia and I don’t get enough good sleep. This is common for me but is made worse by not being able to get comfortable at night.

— I’m starting to think that I should maybe look through some infant care books to feel a little more prepared.

I’m a fan of real, raw writing and believe that blogs are a good way to process things. But I also don’t mean to be negative, especially when we are absolutely in love with this little guy and can’t wait to meet him. Reality though, which I also believe is good to represent on blogs, is sometimes difficult… and this is our reality. We are 5 weeks away from meeting our son and our daughter was stillborn at full term nearly a year ago. It’s a reality I still have trouble believing is my own some days.

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Hi. I'm Sam. I'm glad you're here. This blog of mine is a place for me to write about whatever I'd like... maybe you'll be interested in what I decide to put here. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? :)

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