Monthly Archives: May 2015

It’s 3am

“Should I go get him?”

My son has been fussing in this crib for a good 10 minutes and, when Ben fusses, there’s usually something bothering him. He’s not about to remember that he’s tired and just go back to sleep.

“Yeah, go ahead. Unless you want me to get up.”

“No, no, I don’t mind.”

My husband gets out of bed to go get my son. It’s 3am and we’re all awake. We’ve been awake for a while because we are all sick, sharing a nasty cough and sore throat between the three of us for about a week now. I’m guessing Ben was woken up by one of us coughing.

Jason puts Ben in bed with me. We try not to co-sleep, but on nights when he wants comfort or closeness, it happens. It makes me hyper-aware of his little body in my bed, which makes it even harder for this insomniac to get restful sleep.

He wants to comfort nurse, in between his own coughing and being startled by my coughing, as well as his father’s. We are a sorry bunch. I’m happy to nurse him because I know he feels awful, just like I do. I would want whatever comfort I could find too.

When he’s finished he puts his pacifier in his mouth and settles in next to me. He looks like he’s sleepy, but then he notices that he can reach the sheet I have over me. He pulls it up over his head and quickly yanks it back down. My son wants to play peek-a-boo at 3 o-clock in the morning. He’s both frustrating and adorable and I smile down at him. He’s so proud to show me his new trick; he just learned how to peek-a-boo about a week ago.

I settle in on my pillow next to him and he puts his palm over my face. Right smack in the middle of my face, like it belongs there. I kiss it and he giggles. I can smell the graham crackers and watermelon he ate with dinner. I think about how these moments are fleeting, and how much I enjoy them. I also think about how badly I want to sleep. It’s always like that though… a perfect moment, full of love and appreciation… at 3am when you’re exhausted. You can’t pick and choose these moments.

He takes his hand down and curls up with my sheet. He inches just a little closer and squeaks a bit, like he does when he’s annoyed that he can’t get comfortable. He finally settles down and I hear his breathing change and I know he’s asleep. He’s always been easy to get to sleep. He must get that from his father because it takes me forever to fall asleep. I hope he keeps that trait as he grows up.

Trying hard not to cough and wake him up I adjust my pillow and watch him for a bit. It’s dark but I can still tell that I’ll need to fight him a little in the morning to get his hair combed. It’s sticking up in all directions. In his sleep he reaches up and puts his hand on my arm. I close my eyes and think of how perfect he is, how I made him, and how he’s mine.

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To My Son on His 1st Birthday

imageThis past week I’ve been joking that I’m simply not going to allow you to turn one. I won’t allow you to play in the street, or drink antifreeze, or be a Yankees fan either. So, as your mother, I’m also not going to allow you to turn one. Simple as that. I have your best interests in mind here.

Yet, here we are. Even if I factor in that you were born in central time, as I write this it has already been your birthday for over an hour. In another hour it will also be the time you were born, 1:24am, and no matter what I do I won’t be able to deny the fact that my baby boy is one year old. 365 days ago, you were born.

Yesterday I read your birth story again. That was probably a mistake because it made me cry, but it was something I needed to do. Your birthday has been looming over me and I’ve been trying my hardest to ignore it. Looking back and remembering the day of your birth really made me feel like you were born a full year ago. Time goes by so quickly, but when you look at how far you, me, and your daddy have come, it’s also been a pretty long year with lots of fun and adventures. The best part is that you’ve been with us for those adventures.

In your first year of life you’ve lived in four different houses, two of them temporary and two permanent. You’ve lived in two different states, cities, time zones. We moved from Minnesota to Ohio when you were just 3 months old. Even though I will never be able to say you were “born and raised” in one place, I’m so glad you were born in Minneapolis. You’ve been on so many trips I’ve lost count. We’ve visited our families in Vermont, friends back in Minnesota, and we’ve road tripped to Philadelphia together multiple times. We even drove to Connecticut to visit your Great Grandparents a couple times. You travel so well that it’s easy to bring you wherever we need to go. You’ve been on more planes than a lot of adults I know.

In addition to galavanting off to visit loved ones, you also enjoy staying home with me. Some of my favorite days are spent hanging out with you in our PJ’s. If you’re fussy though, I take you out. When we run errands together you’re always just happy to see everyone, and everyone is happy to see you too. It’s an adorable cycle that often results in complete strangers telling me, “he’s so cute.” At least once when we’re out I’ll also get the question, “is he always so happy?” The answer? You have your days, but you’re happy so often that when you’re not I know that you must be really uncomfortable. You are just a happy kid, and you make other people happy. At this young age it’s so amazing to see how you do this without even trying.

Speaking of making people happy, your family loves you so much. Of course you know this, and of course we love you, but really, honestly, we freaking love the crap out of you. At least once a day you do something to make your Daddy smile and he looks at me and says, “I love him so much.” Your Daddy absolutely adores you. The feeling is mutual though, because everyone can tell how much you love your Daddy too. It melts my heart into a goopy puddle when I think of how much you two adore each other. Oh, and let’s not forget your grandparents. FaceTime is a wonderful thing. You get to see your grandparents so often because of it, and I’m so grateful. They get to see your tricks (you’re “soooooo big”) and you get to see how much they adore you. Your Nana will watch you play with your toys on FaceTime and be completely content, just watching you. I get it though, because I do that too.

It’s not always amazing though. Don’t get me wrong, most of the time you are an awesome kid, I have no idea how I got so lucky… but sometimes you’re a little impossible. Typically on days like this you wake up a little too early in the morning, and you’re still tired. You aren’t content to just play, or sit, or watch anything. You want to be held, which is fine, unless I have to do something like use the bathroom or make myself lunch. On the hard days when you’re not yourself I will sit you down on the floor and you will scream. You will produce big crocodile tears that make me feel awful, and I’ll pick you back up again and wonder what in the world is up with my usually sweet, happy boy. These days are so seldom though, that I don’t really mind, even though it’s exhausting for me. We all have days where we don’t feel like ourselves, and most of the time your Daddy comes home from work and can help to calm you down a bit. Somehow, things are usually better after Daddy gets home from work.

Your first year was pretty special Ben, but I’m pretty sure we’re in for a lot of really special years with you. I thought I would miss you being a newborn so much, and I do, but with every new stage you go through I think to myself, “this is my favorite stage.” Honestly, you just keep getting more and more interactive, curious, and fun. So my dear, now that you’re one year old, and as your mother, I’m giving you permission to turn one, please know how much we’ve enjoyed this last year with you. But also know how much we’re looking forward to the time we have ahead of us as well. Love you munchkin. <3

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Hi. I'm Sam. I'm glad you're here. This blog of mine is a place for me to write about whatever I'd like... maybe you'll be interested in what I decide to put here. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? :)

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