On Blogging About Pregnancy | An Update of Sorts

I wrote this post a couple weeks ago after a good friend of mine posted a pregnancy update of her own. It made me think that I wanted to somehow document the way I’m feeling right now, even though my situation is not typical and not happy all the time.

I’ve been hesitant to post about my pregnancy on my blog. I would have loved to start with a fun 12 week update, announcing that we are happily expecting a tiny bundle of joy, and continue on in that fashion until I eventually go into labor and it’s the best day of my life…

But the truth is, when I found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t expecting a baby. I was expecting another loss. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to get their hopes up. I didn’t want anyone to have expectations that everything would turn out perfect. Despite my own logic and everyone in my life telling me I haven’t, losing Alice makes me feel like I let everyone down. I didn’t want to do that again. I didn’t want to feel like I failed again.

Today, at 31 weeks pregnant, I still feel that way, though admittedly somewhat less as we get closer to my due date. I know the chances of this baby being born alive are good, and logically everything is fine, but it’s hard to tell yourself that when you’ve already been through a full term loss. Because for 8.5 months my pregnancy with my daughter was perfect. She was healthy. I was healthy. Everything was completely normal and no one had any reason to expect she wouldn’t be born alive. But she wasn’t. For some unknown reason her heart stopped beating and my completely normal, uncomplicated pregnancy turned into what now shows up on my medical charts: IUFD. Intrauterine Fetal Demise. Unknown cause.

Despite not feeling normal about anything related to this pregnancy, I can fill you in on a few of the normal things I’m experiencing:

— I’m craving fruit – watermelon, grapefruit, bananas, kiwi, and berries too.

— I’m feeling ok but I’m always sore from round ligament pain and some back pain as I get bigger.

— I have frequent headaches. I get winded easily and have trouble taking deep breaths.

— This little munchkin is pretty active and favors my right side. He responds to his Daddy’s voice and if you poke at him when he’s kicking he’ll kick back.

— I still have insomnia and I don’t get enough good sleep. This is common for me but is made worse by not being able to get comfortable at night.

— I’m starting to think that I should maybe look through some infant care books to feel a little more prepared.

I’m a fan of real, raw writing and believe that blogs are a good way to process things. But I also don’t mean to be negative, especially when we are absolutely in love with this little guy and can’t wait to meet him. Reality though, which I also believe is good to represent on blogs, is sometimes difficult… and this is our reality. We are 5 weeks away from meeting our son and our daughter was stillborn at full term nearly a year ago. It’s a reality I still have trouble believing is my own some days.

3 Responses to On Blogging About Pregnancy | An Update of Sorts

  • Thanks for sharing your real with us, Sam. We love you and welcome your rawness. I don’t claim to understand, that’s for certain, though I do feel empathy. Even with miscarriages, I never expect a baby. So thank you for making space, by sharing your real, for those of us who aren’t ‘normal’.

  • Kate says:

    I am in total agreement with Anna. Don’t hold back a thing.

  • Liz says:

    Grace and peace friend. Everything and anything you write is held by the people who care for you.

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Hi. I'm Sam. I'm glad you're here. This blog of mine is a place for me to write about whatever I'd like... maybe you'll be interested in what I decide to put here. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? :)